So, How're We Doing, Folks? (Whistling in the Dark)

"We're not there yet. [But] this is a very complex agreement and we're going to continue working at it."
"Our objective in these talks is to update and modernize NAFTA in a way that is good for Canadians, good for Americans and good for Mexicans."
"We know that a win-win-win agreement is within reach." [Have you noticed my new outfit?]
Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland

"Canada conceded a whole bunch of things. Canada gave a ton of things."
"Canada was making concessions and Canada needed something, and the U.S. was agreeing to nothing."
Insider source

"The talks were constructive and we made progress."
"Our officials are continuing to work toward agreement."
U.S. Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer office

"[Any deal with Canada would be] totally on our terms."
"[I'm prepared to sign a deal with Mexico in 90 days ... and include Canada] if it is willing, in a timely manner, to meet the high standards for free, fair and reciprocal trade."
"Off the record: totally on our terms. Totally. Here's the problem. If I say no -- the answer's no. If I say no, then you're going to put that, and it's going to be so insulting they're not going to be able to make a deal ... I can't kill these people [Canadian negotiators]."
"At least Canada knows where I stand!"
U.S. President Donald Trump

U.S. President Donald Trump issued several tweets about the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) Saturday, saying 'NAFTA was one of the WORST Trade Deals ever made.' (Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

Trust Trudeau. He knows what he's doing. Relax, Canada. There are things that are important in life, agreed? Social justice as an example. Doesn't that beat trade for trade's sake? So the economy takes a hit, we'll get over it. Thousands unemployed; too bad, so sad, but they'll find something else to do. Like I did, when I got bored teaching drama at that exclusive boys' school in Vancouver, then moved on to teaching snowboarding techniques. And there were all those invitations for speaking engagements; good money there, folks. Unemployed? Give it a try!

The sky's the limit! Look at me, now, Prime Minister of Canada. Negotiating with the Most Important Person in the World. That's me. No, I mean Trump. I must be the second-most important person in the world. After all, who had the guts to confront that guy who thinks he's the world's upcoming political superstar in China? Me! Told him, want a free trade deal with Canada, then bring in workers' rights, gender parity and LGBTQ-2 human rights, wrap it all up in free trade and it's a done deal! Turned down that opportunity, didn't he? His loss.

Same thing with the Trans Pacific Partnership and the deal with the European Union. Made them see the light, but I was also generous about it, allowing them to export some dairy products into Canada. Gotta leave your trade opponents some measure of dignity, right?  Even my good friend Trump believes in that kind of diplomatic courtesy. There's another guy who gets things done. Matter of fact, we've got a lot in common; he tells people who criticize him where to go, names them for what they are; sound familiar?

We're both confident of our abilities and cerebral functioning, and with damn good reason. He also has confidence in leaders who get things done, like Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, MbS (psst, if you don't know, that's Mohammad bin Salman, nice guy), Rodrigo Duterte, Nicolas Maduro, and Ali Khamenei (don't know him? think Supremo Leader) and not to forget Kim Jung-un, eh? Guess what, as a supreme judge of leadership characteristics, me too!

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, left, reached out to former prime minister Brian Mulroney, centre, about the NAFTA negotiations. He was involved in tough negotiations for the Canada-U.S. Free Trade Agreement, which preceded NAFTA. (Paul Chiasson/The Canadian Press)

Anyway, about NAFTA. Anyone with an ounce of intelligence knows that if this falls through the fault can be directly placed with the previous government of Stephen Harper; it pains me to even put the words 'prime minister' in front of his unworthy name. If he hadn't been such a miserable failure for Canada, I wouldn't have had to spend so much time reversing all of his faulty government initiatives. Ask Amed Hussen our Immigration Minister; he knows that "we inherited a massive backlog of asylum claims after a decade of short-sighted and damaging policies under the Harper Conservatives".

So bad that we've got a backlog of 55,000 claims; impossible to hold the fort, leading to the current crisis of all those poor people clamouring to get into Canada. My Canada, you know ... If there hadn't been a backlog of asylum claims of 10,000 when he was kicked out of office by all the voters who preferred me, we wouldn't be in this position now. But I'm putting things right; remember my pledge to legalize marijuana? We're on it, folks, opening up the store in November, and it's party time!

Guess what? All that loot coming into government coffers through taxing pot sales is gonna clear up that damned deficit and we'll be on easy street. Meanwhile, I've been consulting with former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, a nice guy who was unfortunate enough to have been a Conservative, but we'll overlook that since he's the guy who oversaw the original Free Trade Agreement that morphed into NAFTA and he's been advising me. And gosh, if things go south, I can always pin the blame on him, he's used to that kinda stuff.