Afghanistan's Solution

Finally, the U.S., NATO and the United Nations feel they've got their collective finger on the pulse of what drives Afghanistan. They have begun to believe that it is folly to continue flailing against an elusive enemy, one whose non-conventional style of guerrilla warfare has been resistant to military defeat by conventional, organized military confrontation. However, the cupidity of humankind can always be relied upon to turn the tide to advantage.

Buy the loyalty, the fealty, national fervour of Afghans serving as foot soldiers to the Taliban. Reduce the ranks of the Taliban. Place the leadership in a position of desperation. So that the leading figures who drive the insurgency will see reason. And having done so, will agree to come to the bargaining table. They will assent in the laying down of their arms, and surrender to Western desires to cease and desist in their violent labours toward religious totalitarianism - and murder.

From dedicated jihadists they will become obsequious and biddable citizens of the world, with a quaint and exotic near-eastern flavour. They will abstain from vile conduct which has so confounded civilized countries. They will obligingly turn away from their ideology in support of the visionary view of Islamist triumphalism that sees a future of Islamist world domination.

Why might they do that? Good of you to ask. Because they are awed by the authority and the rigorous decorum of the Western world, by the power of Western technology as opposed, say to the supreme power of their omniscient, omnipresent, surrender-demanding deity who thunders at them so continually that they have developed a collectively-mass headache of enormous proportions.

Because they tire of the cat-and-mouse game of gotcha! and would far rather prefer peace and harmony. Al-Qaeda wasn't serious, after all. Just a little game that got out of hand. It was just three thousand people, after all. Is that so large a loss, considering all the pious Muslims whose disagreements with one another result in tens of thousands of dead on a constant basis?

That's just life. And death, of course. Take it or leave it. That's the trouble with those foreign imperialists; they have no sense of humour. They just take everything so seriously. So, all right, in a spirit of compromise and good fellowship, the Taliban, and their great good friends, al-Qaeda will call a hudna. Hudna, HUDNA! Can't you hear? It means ... um ... peace. Promise.

That's all right, you do not have to pay us anything. We don't really need your money, Gus.
You've got our promise. We are honourable people. You must believe that. We are not obligated to take your filthy lucre; that's just an old Pashtun term of endearment; we love money too. But no, take yours with you. This misunderstanding of a conflict is just that; an unfortunate misunderstanding that has cost your treasuries much.

Now is that what the UN, the US and NATO are waiting to hear?

They have the advice of a brilliant tactician, none other than General Sir Graeme Lamb, past commander of Britain's SAS special forces, which makes him rather elite, militarily. Served as an advisor to General David Petraeus in Iraq, which explains the success there in persuading Sunni and Shia that the path to victory is through brotherly love. Brilliantly served, wonderful success story.

And now he has brought his expertise to the situation in Afghanistan, advising General Stanley McChrystal, as one of the world's leading authorities in counter-insurgency warfare (having been an officer battling the IRA aeons earlier). General Lamb understands that the 'tipping point' has been reached in the Afghan-Taliban contest.

It is his considered opinion that "moderate" Taliban must be turned from their current path.
And that can be achieved by offering funding, and above all, jobs. Canada alone appears to be somewhat unimpressed by the argument, and has, thus far, deigned to hold its own counsel on the matter.

But Pakistan has offered to exert its influence over its own Taliban, the most lethally-productive mujaheddin engaged in battle against U.S. and NATO forces in Afghanistan. They have influence, they claim over these forces who operate from their stronghold in North Waziristan.

Influence? Why, of course; these tribal Taliban have enjoyed support from within Pakistan's military and intelligence agencies. Which has gained them protection within Pakistan. Remember those memoranda of understanding between former Pakistani President General Musharraf that if he overlooked their activities in Afghanistan they would behave in an exemplary manner in Pakistan?

That was the extent of Pakistan's support of the U.S. in Afghanistan. Did it work?

There was a catalyst for disagreement in the siege of the Red Mosque that brought the government's action militant ire from its Taliban and tribal leaders. And whatever displeases the Taliban pleases al-Qaeda, for they remain firm allies. What has Pakistan to gain from its offer for cooperation? Why, ensuring that in future, when foreign forces depart, their Afghan neighbours will look upon Pakistan as their friends.

How better to prove their friendly detente, than to have Afghanistan turn against its real friend, sturdily attempting to assist it out of the stone age and into some semblance of institutional and social modernity; the 'largest democracy in the world', India. Has anyone asked India its opinion on buying peace, loyalty and comradeship?